Introduction

By all accounts a perfect day, the day my first child was born. My husband and I woke up early to go to the hospital and get induced. It would become a very special day for us in two ways. Not only would it be the birthday of our first child, but it was also our third anniversary. With some relatively minor discomfort on my part (yes I got an epidural) we had the most beautiful baby boy!  My husband began weeping and we both just admired what we had made. It was miraculous. I am not one to ooh and ahh over babies but when that little guy came out it was mind blowing. Parenting was an adjustment but we were overjoyed with the challenge.

Money was tight, and my husband took an out of state job during my maternity leave. He was working such long hours that he was only able to come home once a week. I was unconcerned, as a night nurse I was used to pulling regular all-nighters.  With my husband gone my son and I caught a terrible cold. Newborn Babies are obligate nose breathers, a fact that scared me to death as a new mother. I became obsessive about my child’s breathing and consequently sleep deprived. One day I was trying to decide on outfits for my son. I glanced at the clock when in frustration he was finally dressed. It had taken me well over 30 minutes to complete a menial task. I was in shock! Here I was an intensive care nurse who could easily make critical decisions and now as a mother I could not even dress my baby. I was scared, but not naive. I have a history….

I am the product of what psychologists term a “perfect storm”. Do I need to point out that the word ‘perfect’ seems an unfair use of diction? There is nothing ‘perfect’ about my diagnosis. I have been blessed in my life and I would be remiss not to state otherwise. Even so I am very unlucky. Some key components came together to create a rare anomaly. A highly religious family, a perfectionist personality, and a genetic predisposition for OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) make for serious inner conflict. OCD is an umbrella term for a group of anxiety disorders; my specific diagnosis, scrupulosity. ‘Scrupulosity is characterized by pathological guilt over moral or religious issues.’ Scrupulosity sufferers such as myself, are afraid of condemnation by a higher power. Those with scrupulosity generally perform religiously oriented rituals (also termed compulsions). In my case these included: reading scriptures, praying, singing hymns, etc. The problem for sufferers - when you feed the anxiety with compulsions it only grows. As the anxiety mounts, the rituals also increase in intensity and length. This cycle becomes more dysfunctional over time without good help.

I personally was diagnosed with scrupulosity 14 years ago. It was a trial in every sense during the first four years of my diagnosis. At one point I was hospitalized and I thought my life was basically over. Even so, I have been happily married for almost 10 years. We have two beautiful children, and I continue to work part-time as a nurse. My scrupulosity has not been completely erased from my life, but it is something that I manage well. Much like a diabetic monitors their blood sugar levels; I have learned to monitor my stress levels and make small adjustments. Scrupulosity sufferers often agonize in silence.  My goal: that my story may spark hope in those afflicted with scrupulosity and their loved ones, and start the conversation.